I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
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I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
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I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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