If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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