I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
