Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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