dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
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I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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