I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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