the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
