You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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