I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
