I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
