woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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