I'm lost and stupid without you.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
