Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
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Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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