Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
