There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
