I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
