you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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