Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
