I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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