Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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