I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
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I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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