did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
