At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
