i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I cut my penus on the lid.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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