Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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