i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
