That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
