I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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