Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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