if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is it because I queefed?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
