Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
