Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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