Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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