My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
