Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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