she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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