but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
