You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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