Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
