My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
