Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
