remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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