I am in a vortex of obligation.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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