i love accidental penises.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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