your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I did not marry a roomba.
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