You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
