Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
