Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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