I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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