It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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