Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
