I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Say something about gay babies.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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