i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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