"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
