Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
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That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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