I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
