Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
