so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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