She said her name was "party"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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