If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
