this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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