Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
