There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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